Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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