A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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