: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
