I just saw a hot homeless man
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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