Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
