The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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