I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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