Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
