Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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