I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
there's paper in my vomit.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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