doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
