Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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