I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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