just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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