if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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