If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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