He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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