She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
