A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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