Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
