Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
