I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
