I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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