A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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