Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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