Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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