So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
