The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
