I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
