I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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