I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
