My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
