I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
