I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
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