I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
