dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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