We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
