oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
