My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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