Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
