the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Why can't burritos get me drunk
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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