You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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