Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
