honey bunches of taint.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
