I just cut my nipple shaving
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
