apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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