Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
