I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
