so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
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you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
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He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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