1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
