He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
