nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
