Sorry, I don't speak sober.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
