you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
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Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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