i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
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