The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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