so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
